When a friend, colleague, or relative loses a loved one, it can be hard to know how to best offer support. Whether you have lost someone close and think you understand what your friend might be going through, or if you’ve never experienced the death of a loved one and are not sure what to say or do, it can feel uncomfortable and awkward.
It’s important to understand that everyone experiences grief in different ways, and there’s no absolutely right or wrong way to offer support. That being said, here are some general guidelines to adhere to when reaching out:
Tip 1: Respect their grieving process.
Your friend will experience grief in their own way and that process may take shorter or longer than you might expect. Whichever way they are choosing to handle it, acknowledge and show consideration for their timeline. That might mean they are not up for social engagements for a while. Or, they might want to spend time with you as a distraction. Don’t assume you know how they are feeling or what they need as part of the process.
Tip 2: Be there if they need you.
Reaching out after someone has lost a loved one is common sense. But beyond the perfunctory “sorry for your loss,” make sure your friend knows they can count on you in the coming days or weeks. Don’t let your uncertainty about how to help prevent you from helping at all. Reach out multiple times to check in and say hello, if only to let your friend know you are thinking about them.
Tip 3: Know what to say (and what NOT to say).
At times like these, you might find it difficult or awkward to express care and concern. Acknowledge the situation and offer your shoulder to lean on, but don’t force someone to share if they’re not up to it. Listen more than you speak and avoid comparisons to your own experiences. Instead of saying, “I know how you must feel,” try “Tell me how you’re feeling today.”
Unless your friend says it first, avoid cliched sympathy expressions like “It’s God’s will” or “It’s for the best” or “They are in a better place” which can come across as insensitive. Don’t encourage them to get over their grief or point out that they’ll surely feel better soon. Even if your words are coming from a place of care, it’s probably not what they need to hear right now.
Tip 4: Don’t ask if you can help, just help.
Offering to help is a nice gesture, but many times a person who is grieving feels overwhelmed and they’re not sure what kind of help they might need or should ask for. Instead, just DO something — whether it’s sending a meal, offering to walk a dog, or stopping by with some groceries. Continue to check in over the coming days and weeks with invitations to chat or take a walk. Little acts of kindness will go a long way.
Tip 5: Offer hope.
Grief is a very different process for everyone. It can evolve over time or come in waves of emotions. But knowing friends and family are there to support can eventually provide a sense of hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t try to improve their current situation but help them focus on the future that will happen day by day. Remind them they are loved and you’re always there to help if needed.
Tip 6: Suggest professional help if needed.
As previously stated, grief — and the length of time it takes — looks different for everyone. But if the circumstances around the death were especially traumatic or unexpected, or you notice your friend developing destructive behaviors, you may want to suggest they seek additional support from a professional.
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